right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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