I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
