I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
