i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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