Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
