i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He passed out mid-signature
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
