I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
