i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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