My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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