captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
