I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
