I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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