Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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