It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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