1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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