I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
