remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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