I didn't shave. On purpose
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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