Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
