I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
