It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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