Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
