My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
