I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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