ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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