she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
