"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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