Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
