Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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