ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
sex in a hospital.. check
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
