Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
