I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
