I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
