I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
