Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
