This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
