I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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