your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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