I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Houston, we have a squirter
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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