I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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