The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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