Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
we're so committed to being not committed
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
