I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
