Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
