Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
