So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
