Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
