broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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