I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
