Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
