He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
